Written thoughts.

So sweet an escape, the last breath of air
so calm, yet sad, the sigh of despair
thoughts that run through her head scream so loud
she holds back her tears because she is so proud.
Gone are her younger whimsical ways.
the careless haze in which she spent her days
Now she rushes trying to occupy the hurt
so dead inside, he killed her self worth
every time he’d just feed her his lies
she cries and dies as she looks in his eyes
so she takes another breath, so sweet so right
she laughs so of the dark situation she makes light,
but laughing alone cant tame the pain,
and smiling so sweet wont make her sane,
she just closes her eyes and pretends no one there,
His mind games are just to much to bare,
Still just a child, but acts like she’s old,
gone is her innocence, she’s become to bold.

 

 

 

how bright the moon shines sparkling in the night,
though she gets little praise, she brings much delight,
she quietly whispers to all who listen,
selfless, as few acknowledge her glisten,
all she wants is to happily give,
helping others as they unwarily live,
She longs to shine like her lover the sun,
together in the sky they would be one,
but hiding her face throughout the day, and living in the darkness only,
is calm, peaceful, and pleasant they say, but oh so very lonely,
sometimes she’s seen throughout the day
blending into with the sky they say,
but although her face is shown in the light,
people only acknowledge her at night,
so she falls with the suns rise,
when everyone must close there eyes,
so she bids the world a small goodbye,
as she leaves the sky with a parting sigh

 

 

 

 

 

 

So sweet the calm
that feels so right,
the day has gone,
here comes the night
the moment when the world stops turning
a moment so many consider wrong,
but its the time I’ve been yearning,
I’ve loved it for so long
the moon a beacon of sacred light
so different from the day
and though she tries with all her might
every dawn she must go away
but while in the sky so high,
and is watching over you,
its impossible to not just try
to make your dreams come true
and every morning I mourn her so,
though I know she’ll return,
I’m so sad to see her go,
its the night for which I yearn

 

My minds commit suicide,
it left me long ago,
I thought at first it’d only hide
shows how little I know
I thought I believed in you and me,
together always caring,
but now my minds gone I can truly see
and I’m left alone despairing,
my minds killing me
unfair my body lives as it dies,
why cant it just scream quietly
or tell my body soothing lies
I’m ready to call it quits,
off myself and finally let go,
I’m at my ends wits,
my final thoughts for you to know.
i’m tired of all this lying
i’m done with all this deceit,
happiness i’m no longer trying,
into the darkness I retreat
ill miss you all my souls aching,
it needs to be sent away,
and with it my hearts breaking,
in this eternal night ill forever stay

 

A blend in love is what I want,
a selfless love I don’t need to flaunt,
a great love, that no one knows,
so on with the love it so flows,
a love like ours doesnt need to be loud,
for then others will notice and it wont be so proud,
quiet and calm our feelings maybe,
but that doesn’t mean that we cant see,
how amazing we are with no one around,
because our love doesn’t make a sound,
but does it need to, for it to be heard,
but for anyone but us to hear it would be absurd,
a love that stands out gets thrown to the ground,
and gone is the spark, no where to be found,
but a love like ours, that blends in so nice,
we can be together, with no secret vice,
for no one bothers, with what’s already right,
lets start our blend in love tonight.

 

I just want to scream, and break your pretty face apart
Split it in two like you did my broken heart,
what is love, but deceit heartache and lies?
One person lives, and the other person dies,
It’s just a fairy tell, meant for you not me,
Ill never be so naïve again, why couldn’t I see,
I was right all along, I couldn’t trust you,
Told me you loved me but couldn’t see it through
I’m so mad, I just want to scream,
You made me care I thought we were a team,
But I’m not mad at you because I still love you so
No I’m mad at me ill let you know,
I’m so hurt it feels like I’ve been hit,
I give up goodbye, I quit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one goodbye is all I need
before I plant the final seed
to my destruction my final end,
my own goodbye I do send,
for living is for the strong,
and evoking your own death is wrong,
but I am not strong, i’m very weak,
and in death, its peace I seek
so slow my blood flows, its so unreal,
so sharp my blade against my skin I cannot feel,
so red the blood, it looks so sweet,
so rough the rope where it and my skin meet,
though i’m not high up I feel so tall,
teetering up there I know I will fall
but i’m not scared i’m strangely calm.
Cause this is what I wanted all along

 

pain, searing through my veins,
almost numb, the way it pain,
not quite hot, and not quite cold,
this metallic pain it seems so old.
my knife so right against my skin,
at this point happiness is a sin,
to be happy, how sweet it be,
but happiness was never meant for me,
death is what I wish for, my one true want,
and if I were to receive it my death I would flaunt,
to take ones life is always wrong,
but is it a sin if I don’t belong,
I would never let you leave, you just cant die,
and when I do angels must never cry,
whether I stab, or cut, or jump, or fall,
just remember, ill miss you all

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The clouds stir angrily, fogging my mind,
all my thought are blurry, when they were so well defined.
could it be the pain, the one only I can feel,
that sharp and searing pain, that only my knife makes feel real,
but along the horizon a thought makes it through,
and with this thought comes an image of you,
so soft and so sweet, I long to see the day,
but for your own good, in the night I must stay,
so quickly I must tie my knot, one last on at the end,
so I may make my descent, so please forgive me my friend,
I pop the pills so sweet, they glisten down my throat,
without a second thought, I do not leave a note.
For anyone who would find I would tell right away,
that because you’re in the day,
in the dark I must stay.
For it doesnt make sense, to leave when I want you so,
but so you can be happy I understand I must go.

 

Cut so deep and let my blood run,
the numbing process I have begun
not to kill but just to maim
this physical pain I must maintain
to keep my mind from what kills me so
and in my heart of hearts ill always know
to stop the voices that scream so loud,
and the hurt and depression that is so proud
and whose screaming just wont quit,
dulling my humour and my wit,
so sharps my blade that it does so calm
as I gasp in pain as I cut so long,
I never thought pain would be sweet
but so sweet where my blade and skin meet.
if only it didn’t push those away
then people I care about who not leave, they’d stay
but alas, as sure as my blood will flow,
and people will say they’ll stay, then go
but it is my fault as i’m well aware.
These people don’t disappear into thin air
they go because I force them to
I push and push until there through
so here a request you all can see
please everyone just let me be
for you see it’s a circle of pain,
with the loss of a friend I quickly gain.
Another swift cut from my blade, I trust it so
for it’s my only friend who has yet to go.

Sleep evades me, my dreams aren’t enough,
Holding back my tears is getting just so tough,
A life worth living is what I want,
Confidence and pride, with something to flaunt
Someone to talk to someone to care,
Someone to tell me that life’s not fair
Instead I have no one, a life lived alone,
Going through the motions, a robotic drone,
Suicide a thought so common practically a friend
So constant my thoughts to make it all end.
Something sweet in this world of pain
No longer this image can I maintain
In my dreams at least there calm
A rightness in all the wrong,
But sleep evades me, my only sanity
And as it goes as does my humanity
My only wish is to sleep longer
Making my sanity grow stronger
For then if I remain awake
There is less of me up for stake
And if I were to sleep forever
My pain and agony I would sever
So calm and quiet I can be
Please sleep don’t evade me.

 

The day grows old sunlight fades to grey;
it’s only the circle of life you say?
And flowers once blossomed wilt away,
it’s reoccurring day after day,
the death of anything though sad it may be
from song full birds that fly free
to the majestic leaves of the old oak tree,
is sad but necessary.
For it’s the circle of life you say.
As it is that my life goes away.
using this rope so tough to end my day,
my sunlight that fades to grey,
ill stand on this stool so tall
and close my eyes before I fall,
nothing I can do for my ending to stall,
nothing to enjoy, I regret it all,
so ill take one step so happy so gay,
and as my eyes close so does my day,
in a permanent night I shall forevermore stay.
It’s only the circle of life you say.

 

Have you ever seen the sun rise
bringing hope to the dark skies
Its how I feel looking in your eyes
Some truth in all the lies

Will you save me
be the sanity in my chaos,
Will you be there to see
And find me when I’m so lost
Will you understand the meaning in my glance
Its ok you put me in a trance

Like a comet lighting the sky so bright
Lying in your arms even wrong feels right.
So dark and colds the night,
then you bring me my light.

Will you save me
be the sanity in my chaos,
Will you be there to see
Please come find me, I’m so lost
Will you understand the meaning in my eyes
Its ok you see right through my lies

The dawn breaks loose and I can’t help but stare
Your beauty so breath-taking its not fair,
The sun light catching a smile so rare,
Its moments just like this, I know you care

Because you saved me
Were the sanity in my chaos,
you were there to see
came to find me, when I was so lost you understood the meaning in my soul
Its okay you made me feel so whole
Cause you saved me,
Your my sanity.

How loud the silence roars,
When the voices just wont quit,
Anxiety flowing out her pores,
Not enough is her beauty or her wit,
to keep the one she holds so dear,
why cant she rest,
and the pain just end,
she’ll never be your best,
never more then just a friend,
how she longs for closure just to know
her heart pounds so loudly in her head
why cant you just tell her to go,
“I don’t want you” so easily said,
Let her end her life, so sweet so calm,
she needs it, So selfish , so right,
but yet oh so very wrong,
and until her last breath life she must fight.
Will this pain end with her,
her emotions finally numb,
and with one more breath a blur,
her last action so brilliant, so dumb.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though in the east the sun does rise
and it does set in the west
and streaks of orange pierce the skies
above my sacred place of rest,
the beauty of it piercing, stunning ,calm
and leaving a halo of bright light
and softly mourning the day whose gone
and out she comes the moon so bright
So forgiving of her betrayal
Pale, and quiet is her sorrow
though blazing is her trail
and in the sky she remain, until her soft tomorrow
though her death will evoke no tears
those who worship her will tearlessly cry
and though she’s wise beyond her years,
she can not help but try
to live her life a better way,
for living in the shadow only
and hiding her face throughout the day
is peaceful but oh so lonely,
She longs to feel special, needed,
someone who knows she’s there
and though her warnings are never headed
all that’s wanted is someone to care

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve completely lost my sanity,
its going day by day.
If only I could change it to vanity.
I could make it go away.

Everyone is against me,
there’s no one left to care,
maybe this is meant to be,
maybe I am meant for despair,

and the one person who loves me so,
I can’t even be around,
for I can’t let them know
my sanity can’t be found.

Maybe I’m meant to be alone,
just me and my heart ache,
If I turn my heart to cold stone,
it will be sure not to break,

or maybe if I take this noose I tied so tight
and slip it around my throat,
though its rough and frayed it just feels so right,
ill mention that in my note,

My final goodbye written on paper, for everyone I hold dear,
a so long, I told you so,
I knew id not last my 18th year,
but just so you know.

As I stand on this chair so tall,
and I think of what to do,
and though I’m afraid to fall,
I’m doing this for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why cant I close my eyes and cry,
why cant I just not try,
love is fairy tales and lies,
So broken once that love dies,
I miss you so
you cant even know,
just to run and just hide,
with no one by my side,
and no one around me,
but how can that be,
My throat so tender, soft, and warm,
my knife so filled with scorn,
and a need to create my pain,
but in it I also gain,
a numbness that last so long,
like no drug you’ve been on,
for deaths mercy is sweet,
and when you and death meet,
the music, soft yet rough,
its life’s final bluff,
cause nothing in life be nice
and breathing its own vice,
and death so final and complete
and so me and death will meet
in this final hour,
I use my final power,
to finally end this suffering so bad
and finally rejoin my dad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Close my eyes as my worries fade,
Responsibility I must evade.
For my actions to shameful to much of a sin,
so plain and in sight, my excuses wearing thin,
“If you leave who will look over he?”
He’s a big boys, he can live he can see,
“If you die, you know he’ll cry”
Yes, but who has cried more then I?
I need to end this pain so rough,
to close my eyes, to say it’s enough.
To take that knife, hidden under my bed,
so death and I can finally wed,
to pop the pills so small and strong,
how dare you tell me my death is wrong?
as I tie my noose so tight,
so painful yet so right,
I can finally rest, as I wish to do,
to meet my death a dream come true,
I love you so much, more then you know,
I’m sorry, goodbye, I got to go

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suicide a surrender so real so sweet,
and in a moment a process will be complete,
as I take my final step of this chair,
and my feet dangle helplessly in thin air,
with a brital snap my neck shall break,
no more pain, or violent heart ache,
I’m finally free of this world body and mind,
no more of this happiness that for my heart pined,
love is no thing although true it seems,
but belongs in naive women’s dreams,
but naive no more for I cant be
though my eyes will be open they shall not see,
I’m finally gone, at peace at last,
forgiven are all my mistakes of the past
just this one remains a forgive less sin,
but forgive my thoughtlessness of becoming deaths kin,
but the pain was to deep, but the pain would not end,
and no fallen angel did one send
it teaches a lesson, that we all most learn young,
a lesson I learnt only as I hung,
you can depend on no one, only just you,
listen to no one, tell yourself what to do,
for if you count on another to carry your heart,
soon they will have to leave and depart,
but you heart can not go, though it hardly seems fair,
and meanwhile my feet dangle in thin air

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Close my mind to kill my dreams
use my pillow to muffle my screams,
pull my trigger and end my sorrow
today was my last tomorrow

Hide my eyes to end my fear
comfort in knowing the end is near
more comfort in death then ever living
this kind of taking to myself I’m giving,

to close my eyes this time I’m ending
no more of myself can I be pretending,
that my pain doesn’t hurt, that my pain doesn’t last,
yesterdays tomorrow was my last,

cut off ties trust with your lies
speaking the truth through your mouth, lying with your eyes
soak my heart in novocaine,
forever ending this unbearable pain
With a thankful sigh my lips will part
forever stilling my beating heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the summer rays
The breeze so gently sways
the trees branches so bold,
though still at roots so old,
and in a moment so rare
blowing away all despair,
the breeze so soft and calming
this feeling I’ve been longing

The flowers newly in bloom
and then there gone to soon,
like a painters pallet, they stand tall,
but only moments then they must fall
so delicate and so light
these moments feel so right
so sweet and so calming
this feeling I’ve been longing

The cooling summer rain,
so simple and so plain
though gentle and slight in motion
it longs to be an ocean
with waves as vast as trees
and in its rolling seas
would hide away worries heading
this feeling I’ve been needing

And even the summer storm
leaving nature in its morn
but leaving behind no sorrow,
and a promise for tomorrow
to be fresh and aware
with a soft careless air,
and the clouds slowly receding,
giving me this feeling I’ve been needing

So all and all quite calm
and nothing can go so wrong
Though calm or violent the storm may be
though still or swaying be the trees
the feeling still right here
and to my heart I hold so dear,
these feelings so slight and calming
these feelings I’ve been longing

 

 

Though dark the night,
the stars do shine,
Though vast in height,
and light divine,
Jewels that glisten just like gold,
and hang in the sky like a dove mid-flight,
older then the story first ever told,
shines and glistens this sacred light,
Though she has no voice you may hear her sound,
she’ll tell you no stories speak you no lies
the wisdom in her songs so easily found,
the truth more apparent as she rise,
her maternal ways,
a surprise to few,
sighing lazily as she lays,
a respect is found perfect and true
the nights soft darkness lacking in sorrow,
the hard crisp air full and sweet,
and in its promise for tomorrow,
the sky and land finally meet

 

 

slit my throat and hear me cry,
what a sure way to die,
the peace so absolute, so beautiful so sweet,
Out of this life, I did so cheat
my knife it gleams, with sweet blood lust,
my blood hanging on it, appearing weathered with rust.
so quiet an end, so quick its gone,
but the moment lasts so long,
like played in slow motion you see it all,
from the first slit to when you fall,
you’ve never seen as beautiful as this,
and death lips you so deeply kiss,
and as death swallows your heart,
your doubts and fears slowly depart,
eyes they shine bright like stars,
and the no marks on your wrists, gone are the scars,
a departure so kind, it’s mercies call,
goodbye, farewell, ill miss you all

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calm is my mind as I take it in,
to kill yourself, a horrid sin,
though how can something so sweet be so wrong,
something I’ve wanted for so long,
the street below me rushing bye,
this buildings never seemed so high,
a signal to heaven, of which I can almost touch
the pain so deep, its become to much
but this jump such mercy, such a new free feel,
how my heart sings out that this is real
that soon my pain will soon stop, will finally end
“I’m sorry” say your letter that I did send
a final goodbye, is what I owe,
but in my heart i’ll always know,
that I loved you to much, it hurts to strong,
I know deep down what I’m doing is wrong,
but I am so selfish, I just need to die,
a tear must not shed, I cant see you cry,
but why would you cry for a monster like me,
so black is my heart, so cruel I may be,
for love is not an something that can be mine,
its got to be a message a hidden sign,
like a flower wilted from no rain,
I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain,
so sweet the air, the sound, the sky,
farewell I love you, this is goodbye

How sweet the surrender, though the peace is dead,
to be in love how sweet, though my curiosity fed,
for the pain and the tears, and the heart that aches,
is worth the joy that laughter, but not my spirit that breaks,
and though life is filled with scents, sights and sounds,
death is filled with quiet and numbing, no pain to be found,
and though cowards will take the easy way out,
and those so brave will only sit and pout,
I may be a coward, though brave is my heart,
but this pain to intense, from it I depart,
so ill close my eyes and pray its real,
as I swallow the pills I no longer feel,
for this suicide so sweet, so sweet an end,
and my knife so comforting, could be an old friend,
though life held only pain, heartache and despair,
death holds my peace, so please, take care

If I leave will this pain end,
there’s nothing left here for me, no one to call a friend,
for who lives to die, but dies to live?
to take away the pain, is my gift to give,
so I run this water to hot to calm,
and I drag this razor along my wrist so long,
close my eyes as my consciousness goes,
how long I’ve had this longing no one knows.
But now I’m gone, so sweet my sorrow.
Goodbye my friend and have a pleasant tomorrow.

 

pull my hearts trigger, fire my gun,
to end this pain, that just wont end,
With no one beside me to call a friend,
so serene the mercy, the numbing relief
To calm myself and treasure my belief
though the pain so rough and hard to bare,
though the people whom when your crying stop and stare,
my heart it breaks, and weeps in sorrow
I shall never see another morrow,
with one last step ill say goodbye,
never again will I have to cry,
the rope so soft against my neck,
one more step to start the wreck,
and now I’m dead so kind and calm
how could I have ever lived so long?

 

So beautiful and sweets the Day,

That makes my sorrow go away,

So calm and radiant, he is my light,

And pulls me out of my darkest night,

Though doubts and worries are buried deep,

I try my hardest so out it doesn’t seep,

For the first time its love I feel,

I can’t believe that this is real,

There’s so much I can finally say,

So much I can feel since I have my day,

So much jealousy I have inside,

But forever it can hide,

For inside me it must stay,

So my Day doesn’t go away.